Margaret Culkin Banning Quote
“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning
Lawrence Ferlinghetti Quote
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Lana Turner Quote
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner Share on X
Kin Hubbard Quote
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. – Kin Hubbard Share on X
John Wayne Quote
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. – John Wayne Share on X
Abraham Lincoln Quote
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln Share on X
H. L. Mencken Quote
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution. – H. L. Mencken Share on X
Robin Williams Quote
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. – Robin Williams Share on X
Margaret Mead Quote
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead Share on X
Jack Benny Quote
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. – Jack Benny Share on X
Douglas Adams Quote
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams Share on X
Demetri Martin Quote
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside. – Demetri Martin Share on X
Dave Barry Quote
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry Share on XHomer Simpson Quote
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try. – Homer Simpson, The Simpsons Share on X
Ransom Riggs Quote
Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance. ― Ransom Riggs Share on X
C. S. Lewis Quote
Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. ― C.S. Lewis Share on X
Carroll Bryant Quote
Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. ― Carroll Bryant Share on X
Fred Allen Quote
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen Share on X
Agatha Christie Quote
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie Share on X
Steve Martin Quote
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. – Steve Martin Share on X
Will Rogers Quote
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers Share on X
Stanley Randall Quote
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. – Stanley Randall Share on X
Jackie Mason Quote
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason Share on X
Helen Rowland Quote
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. – Helen Rowland Share on X
Will Ferrell Quote
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell Share on X
Dave Barry Quote
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry Share on X
Groucho Marxy Quote
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marxy Share on X
Dennis Miller Quote
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. – Dennis Miller Share on X
Fred Allen Quote
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. – Fred Allen Share on X
Milton Berle Quote
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. – Milton Berle Share on X
Jim Carrey Quote
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey Share on X
Chris Rock Funny Quotes
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty. – Chris Rock Share on X
Jay Leno Funny Quotes
How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery? – Jay Leno Share on X
Rita Rudner Quote
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner Share on X
Ricky Gervais Quote
Where there's a will, there's a relative. – Ricky Gervais Share on X
Oliver Herford Quote
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford Share on X
Jimmy Kimmel Funny Quotes
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. – Jimmy Kimmel Share on X
Gary Delaney Quote
I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella. – Gary Delaney Share on X
Stuart Turner Quote
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. – Stuart Turner Share on X
Bill Murray Quote
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? – Bill Murray Share on X
Tim Vine Quote
Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’? – Tim Vine Share on X
Gary Delaney Quote
It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me. – Gary Delaney Share on X
George Burns Funny Quote
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns Share on X
Ken Dodd Quote
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. – Ken Dodd Share on X
Bill Murray Quote
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop. – Bill Murray Share on X
Napoleon Bonaparte Funny Quote
Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake. – Napoleon Bonaparte Share on X
Franklin Jones Quote
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones Share on X
Bill Hicks Quote
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night. – Bill Hicks Share on X
Bill Murray Funny Quotes
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little. – Bill Murray Share on X
Gary Delaney Quote
As a family we couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated, so in the end we decided to let her live. – Gary Delaney Share on X
